Dear readers,
I admit i did the post on twitter about Proquest username and password for February 2010. I did it on purpose, as a reply for some request upon logging in from some colleague. They had nothing to with it, just my wrong doing that cause the problem for both Proquest and University of Indonesia.
Therefore, on behalf of myself, I deeply apologize here in this open letter and swear not to let any circumstances like this to ever happen again.
Sincerely Yours,
Cahyo
God, i cant really ask myself so i am asking you. Have i gone to another wrong direction? I could not find anything but an empty space lying here. I barely see nobody if there was suppose to be someone. I could sense nothing but my own emotionless heart. I have nothing to say but “where am i”. Do i really have to be here, dear God? Even if i am, how could you left me with nothing?
If it is a true to life test for me, could you please at least leave me strength. I might not know whether this is a test of you or not, but with that strength at least i could build something from nothing here you left. All i have is nothing but my thought, my conscience, my heart beat, my emotion, all together work in one syncopation.
Then here came another thought, do you really want me to build something from nothing here, dear God? Do you really want me to recuperate myself not asking you to grant me any strength? Do you really intend to have me talk to myself here, alone, in silence, for i know that A GOOD HEART will come to live in loneliness? IS THAT WHAT YOU EXPECT ME TO HAVE? A GOOD HEARTED HUMAN BEING??
ANSWER ME GOD!
“I will never know, cause you will never show…”
This is a part of a lyric of a song written and performed by The Cardigans. One interesting things about this phrase is how meaningful information for someone, either it is shown implicitly or explicitly. Without notice, nobody would ever know the existence of a thing (let’s say the information mass rally of 100 days shortcoming program of the government for 2009-2014 period). A person may search, look for information, but with no supply or showing all leads to nothing.
This underlined the essence of the lyric above in my own perception. If you showed me nothing, i would not know whether your feelings exist or not. Thank god i have heard and kept what you have told me, though it was rather implicit. I didn’t really think about it until now, i read one of your post which saying that it was your wishes for 2010 ahead (I’d say that because it was made on early December of 2009).
Apparently, it sounded rather sad even to me. Yet i know it’s something that could happen to anyone on this living earth. However ironic it is to me, this could not keep me away from thinking, what the meaning of my existence to some people? How am i doing for them? Looking back i remembered that my life wouldn’t be this way without ‘them’. More or less, they have changed my point of view, my personality, how i thought of things, how i act or react, and so on. Yes, they meant a lot to me from their way sharing experience of life with me, be it short or a long moment.
Now i am currently reminiscing of what good deeds have i done. Have i done anything that affected them in a good manner? Have i brought an optimism to their life? Have i taught them new perspective about how to see life as it is? About how to put themselves in others shoes? It has been 23 years of life i am living. Not so much achievement i made during this breathing lungs and pumping heart of human life. They may not showing or telling or writing anything about how was my existence for them. Nevertheless, I do really hope that my existence would mean something to them. It would be my own personal achievement…though not so great…
So ironic, these days I’ve been living on. Every kind of obligation i should be doing is neglected yet anything that could made a total procrastinator is done perfectly! Any event that is not so important was attended, yet those important moments I had missed them all. It is like I’m more keen to say yes to something i should not, and saying no otherwise.
I remember how i easily accepted my friend (an ex-girlfriend actually) invitation to take a walk in a park even at midnight. Ironic, because a day later i said no when my girlfriend asked me out. Other example was when i said no for a friend in need for help, yet i responded and left immediately when another friend of mine invited me for a party. This is terrible, doing anything fun and leaving sacrifices for greater good behind. I feel like a sad story with no happy ending, keep doing the wrong ones and walking even further into the darkness within this rough world.
By this point, i have realized that i should turn my wheels around and drive faster because i have many to catch up. I want to start something new, from a different perspective, and with a different way of approaching. Some people might think that I am change, not the same person anymore, not the friend he used to be. To hell with that, sorry to say it, but i have to let my rationale takes control of everything. Even if it’s painful, for the greater good, I am willing to do it. If it is not me, who else can change my fate?
I hope everyone is ready, especially me, because I am about to say Yes and No within appropriate circumstances and terms…
Seconds felt like days
Hours felt like weeks
Days felt like months
Years felt like decades
Among all countless time, i think quality is the keyword of all questions. One should not ask for “how long” or “how often” of one doing things. It’s all about “how it’s done” in one’s own way. Yes, quality sometimes is the answer provided for those who already felt that frequency and duration had no longer taken part in their life.
The same thing should goes for us, we don’t count the days we’ve spent. It’d be more reasonable to measure how we’ve spent them. I’ll always try to do everything in a good quality, if possible, I’d like to try to have some quantity in it too. Because no matter how much you’ve done something, if you did it in a poor level and not at your best try, it’d mean nothing.
So come on, live your life to the fullest, and with the term “fullest” i mean: add more quality!
Is this the place i used to go? No, this is the place i’ve never visited before. It’s something dark, something solitary. For i felt like a loner yet i’ve been paired. I was left for something much more important. Still, i feel itchy about it.
I shouldn’t say things like these…but this wild mind need something to be spilled…so now i write it…this writings of sanity, wanting the possible and the reachable…please come back soon…i need you…
I burnt that letter to you
As i saw you walked with someone new
I turned my back and walked away
Never dreaming of you to come again
Now, a dove standing by my window
With a small paper tied to its feet
Who would it be, i want to know
Sending this bird, and the letter indeed
I start to read:
“Hi, how are you?”
I blink my eyes,
“Good, im fine too!”
She continues:
“I know how you feel…”
Oh Dear Lord,
is this for real?
I stopped reading, ran to the door
There she was, with her suitcase on the floor
“I’m so sorry i left you, i didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I said “that’s okay, i did the same mistakes too.”
She walked in with tears,
then i told her “don’t cry..
no need to fear…
it just does happen in life.”
I wrote this letter to you
I put all my compassion making it
Took days and night to complete
Now I’m giving it to you… 
I’ve sworn something that would make her standing (maybe waiting) in a distance i could never reach. I’ve said something that would let me do nothing but to be a good person for her.
This body is taking a one step forward while the mind taking two steps back. These hands is waving for her to come, while these foot is walking towards another direction.
Oh, so much contradiction i have in me. Nothing seems to be right, yet everything feels quite the opposite. Staring wildly with one eye while the other one closed itself from reality.
Yes indeed, you are just out of reach and i can make you come closer and closer and closer. Distance and time travel is nothing, as impossible is not the case here. So yes, i would want to stay beside you there, and make yourself mine!
It’s been awhile since our last chat
It’s been months actually since we truly chat
It’s been years for real since we met each other
It’s been decade since i decide to go someplace
and…
It’s been awhile since I’ve been thinking that you are my missing link to that place
Where are you now? Have you done your unfinished business? I’d be gladly wander or even lurking around. Just tell me when you’re okay to be my missing link, we’ll go to that place together…
Berdasarkan pengalaman pribadi, gue gak akan membiarkan anak gue jadi dokter nantinya. Mereka melakukan kontak dengan virus lebih banyak tetapi tidak lebih kebal dibanding manusia dengan profesi lainnya. Akibatnya? Wah, perkembangan virus justru lebih ganas ketika seorang dokter sakit dibanding pasiennya yang sakit. Ibarat makan es buah, anda tidak tahu apa saja yang disajikan di dalamnya, dan menyebut kata “Fanta” untuk sebotol soda justru lebih mudah. Jadi, kembali pada kalimat pertama, gue mungkin akan sangat berat mengiyakan putusan anak gue untuk jadi dokter nantinya…kalau dilarang nyatanya tidak mungkin…
