Me Time

I’m an introvert, sometimes I’d rather to keep to myself and not bothering the world. So let me be on that kind of moment. It’s just my way to recharge mentally. Not even a warm good night call would work for me. I’m sure you might have experienced the same situation at some other times when you feel like you’d like to be left alone. Not because you are having a strong negative emotion you worried it might got displaced to the wrong person. It’s just that you need that silent moment, thinking about things, doing your own cool things (writing, music listening, contemplating, etc).

It might sound kind of strange, for you who have a GF/ BF within this circumstance. They might call, you’d feel wrong not to answer yet you also need that ‘loneliness’ for a moment. A little tip, just tell him/her you need that time. No matter how much your love is, it isn’t quite the substitute for a solitary moment.

Well, that’s “me time” for me. At times I would get angry being disturbed while being alone. Mostly I would let anyone know (perhaps implicitly by turning my lights out) that I’d like to be left alone or currently having a work/ report to be done. When I got too exhausted, either mentally or physically, this way (being in a solitary situation) somehow helps me get my ‘energy’ back. That’s just it…on contrary there are also people who ‘charge’ by plunging themselves in party or going to the mall…me? I just like to be left alone for a moment, please

Time is ticking fast, while my heart and mind go slowly.
This emotional rush going so fast, while the moment goes as if for centuries.
People come and go so easily, hence forgetting what they have done is hard.
Happiness happens in a glance yet sadness staring me all day long.

I feel awkward these days…

On Contrary

Time and distance are my enemy
on contrary
They happened to be my allies as well

Time helped me decided where I am going right now, to wait and develop for something I have been building for the past 2 years. Distance, no matter how far helped me to understand what togetherness really means. There were more and more for both, further miles to travel yet plenty of chances to get through.

on contrary

Now I have lesser for both, smaller chance(s) yet closer distance. Just a doorstep away, a glance and somehow I will get there, yet time has little mercy for me to try.

Yes, while I was needed to travel far on contrary I still got time to go. Now, while as if it is just a doorstep away on contrary time would not allow me to travel.

Quite sad, for lesser chance(s)…on contrary…quite happy this could nourish me while blossoming ours…

Once there was this application on Facebook, about the big 5 traits of human personality (conscientiousness, agreeableness, openness to experience, extraversion, and neuroticism), that i had took back then.
It was about a simple and free (but not comprehensive of course, you must pay for it) about how a personality of an individual varies among those 5 traits postulated by Costa-McRae on 1992.

Simply put, i was ‘diagnosed’ as having a low neuroticism and conscientiousness compared to other’s result, and in general level of the other three traits. Nowadays, i feel more anxious about my life and significant others. I worried too much someone might get hurt or in brink of a dangerous situation, i often thought that he/ she should not doing whatever one was supposed to. I was not sure if it was just me or maybe those ‘danger’ could really arose presenting harm to my loved ones.

My story currently, i worry too much that she might be in trouble of some sort. I just don’t want anything happens to her, but maybe i am thinking about it too much.

Advancement Survival (contemplation)

Many things and people have their advancement, me too, we all have. In general terms, every people should be happy that their life is progressing. Me? Well I can say I am happy for some aspects of my life. Somehow, there is an advancement I had expected, I just did not see it coming this fast. I feel sad about it, I think I am going to miss the old days. But I would not be fair to the universe if I expect everything to be the same exactly like how I was happy about it, since every single thing (even human cell) is evolving. I could never stop the evolution and progress, all I could achieve is to cope, to adapt, to survive, as Darwin once proposed…survive is for the fittest. I hope I am fit enough for recent circumstances.

Silent Lucidity

A lyrics of a song I enjoy very much

Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

“Hush now don’t you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye

You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game
Of life

So here it is, another chance
Wide awake, you face the day
Your dream is over…

Or has it just begun?

There’s a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night

Relax child, you were there
But only didn’t realize
And you were scared

It’s a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you’ll hear and see
This magic new dimension

I
Will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I
Will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you
In silent lucidity… “
Spoken:
Visualize your dream (Yes)
Record it in the present tense (Don’t be scared)
Put it into a permanent form
If you persist in your efforts
You can achieve a dream control
(Control)
(How’re you doing today?) (Better?)

Dream come true
Dream come true
Dream come true

Help me…

“If you open your mind for me
You won’t rely on open eyes to see

The walls you built within
Come tumbling down
And a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn
You’re safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize?
Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but…”

I
Will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I
Will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you…

A Loving Experience

Quite a unique story I had on yesterday.

Started on the morning when I took my lady to have an appointment with a doctor whom I introduced her to. I received a news of my friend’s father funeral. He died of a sudden coronary heart attack, treated as a common illness (since he said he felt unwell). God’s destiny it was, if he was meant to survive there would be someone knowing symptoms of heart attack and took him to the hospital. But this is life anyway. So I attended his funeral preparation, did a prayer for him. This would mean I postponed my GF’s plan to see a doctor. I was glad she was okay with this, as she usually isn’t. After that we headed straight to the hospital.

While waiting at the hospital, we discussed the possibility of going to this European educational fair in Jakarta Convention Centre, Southern Jakarta. When we discussed it, her mom called saying an uncle of her had arrived from Holland. Such a rare visit she must see him at his house on Tangerang. This was disastrous for a moment, she felt sad since this trip to European fair had been planned well but family would be family, we would be there for our family vice versa. Then just about her number about to be called on queue line, her friend texted telling the fair was crowded as hell. Disappointed, she decided not to go there instead told me to take her to his uncle’s.

On the road after the medical check up, I chose (seemingly at the time to be) the wrong exit on the highway. We ended up stuck in traffic jam for around 2 hours. I was tired and pissed since the morning I drove her (cause my own reasons), she got tired and pissed since the call about her uncle’ arrival. We actually argued for many (what seemed to be) unimportant things, for a moment I even thought of leaving her in the middle of the highway (but I didn’t since I don’t want to be an asshole). I drove for a straight highway to Tangerang then this was fruitful, the city ring road was somehow had this most congested traffic jam if I might say. They weren’t moving at all as if those cars were being parked! We got lucky we hit the Merak highway (the name of it) despite the jam upon exiting before reaching it.

The climax was when we stopped for a late lunch (it was 3 p.m) on a rest area. I got worried since there was some radiation from a transmitter for local televisions satellite. Everyone asked to lock their car manually, this made me anxious alright. Being critical, I told her many things she should/ shouldn’t had done. This conversation ended up with her saying that it was painful (or pain in the ass) to hear me talking. That was just it.

After meal, I tried to apologize but she didn’t seem to care (I heard her sighing while I was talking). Hearing this, I told her to forget what I said. I got pissed off again, she refused to discuss it and not even took my apology. We drove back to his uncle’s house then she got even more pissed receiving many calls asking her whereabout. Her family thought I took the wrong route and worried for her. I knew where I was going, so I asked her “Where’s your uncle?” and I meant to ask his house location/ area since there were many housing complex in Tangerang. Instead of telling what I needed to know, she simply said “He’s at his house”, then a critic came off of my mouth saying she should had said the location as it was not the time for joking around.

Hatred (if I may say that), that was what we felt during this trip to Tangerang. She pissed enough and managed to have her eyes sight-seeing on the car window and ignoring me all the way back to Tangerang. Me? I wrote earlier how I had that idea of leaving her in the highway. Anyhow, we care for each other too much, we love each other too much. I felt tired after driving so many hours (also) got stuck among traffic jams, she kindly made me a drink immediately after we arrived on her uncle’s. I didn’t know how but all those negative emotions seemed to run dry of that day’s heat.

After a few minutes of chatter with families, laughter, and smile upon each other (between me and her), we walked to the kitchen talking about what happened then came out with our pinky wrinkled (a way to say I’m sorry). Not so long after that, we all went out for dinner in this mall named SMS. For the first time I thought texting was free of charge here, yet it stood for Summarecon Mall Serpong. We walked the mall, we had dinner, we talked and laughed, we shared dinner and a piece of pancake. The clock was showing 11 p.m as i took my leave and say goodbye to the rest of the family. She walked me to the door, hugged me, and we both said we were sorry of what happened earlier that day.

Love, never unpredictable, when we thought things were shit somehow it turned out to be as sweet as honey.

Contemplation

To not have something in your grasp is not the end of the world
Sometimes, people are given different path to success by God
We will never know what lies within our life ahead
Some say, “just keep doing your best” and eventually i will get there

To be honest, by the moment i got rejected for master degree study
At that point i feel like i am the stupidest person in the world
Even worse, i was not in for psychological master degree
In short, not only stupid, as if i was not ‘normal’ enough to be a psychologist

Apparently i got less motivated doing things in my life since then
I hardly can sleep, I eat not by appetite but due to meal time,
I have not shaved for two weeks since the notification of apply
Now i think, i need to clear my head before i want to go for it again

First thing first, do i really want to become a clinical psychologist?
Is it really my passion? I mean, with all those responsibilities at work.
I have been thinking for the past three days. If there is anything i would like to do in life, it would be sitting in room, trying to listen and analyze people, in order to get them to a point where they would be healthy and normal enough to socialize and live their life.

I’m a helpful one, I can assure you of that. By becoming a psychologist I want to expand my skills of lending assistant to people, especially those who are not in normal situation of daily life. So many thoughts and treatments they got from society while they could not understand what is wrong with theirselves, to be treated in such ways.

It is a pity to see facts like that, people were judged based on something they did not really understand. It would take a lot of time to change those minds of how people should be normal. A change of system of education would repair that. Me? I just want to help those victim of such a broken system. I just want to help them who get cornered because they were deviant by any means.

By writing, I could only beg any of you readers to try understand why some people are not normal not because they want to. It is something they are born with or how they were raised. You can not tell someone he/ she is a freak just because they prefer to be alone. You should be proud of them since they have the courage to do everything on their own behalf.

With this reason in mind, i hope i could get through my second attempt to apply for psychological master degree. A lot of people need help, and here i am sitting ducks hoping for a guidance to help them.

Rebel and Disorder, Procrastination

I’ve read somewhere (sorry i couldn’t mention the source since i forgot), being a procrastinator is partly being a rebellious person as well. To procrastinate is a way to show how you dislike to be controlled by anyone.

I consider myself quite rebellious, so i tend to break rules and do the opposite to show how no one could ever command me. Funny thing, it happened sort of naturally…i realized this, few months ago, wanted to be a better person, but i still act the same.

A book written by Burka and Yuen (2005) called “Procrastination: Why you do it, what to do about it now”, analyzing and mentioning that turning yourself to a non-procrastinator takes nothing more than a commitment to change yourself. A simple set of schedule would help you, they say. For example, you could organize your activity (routine ones) in a simple daily schedule. I bet you all have that mobile calendar on your mobile phones. It’s similar to that, only this one written or printed on papers.

All you got to do is making yourself an hour-by-hour tables of activity containing a routine-to-do stuffs (starting at your waking up hour, say 5 a.m). Say, everyday you always go to sleep by 11 p.m, then go ahead and draw yourself boxes starting at 5 a.m up until 11 p.m. Inside those boxes, you could write anything and how long it occurs. For example, i would write “shower” at 6 a.m and i would note it occurs for 10 minutes. It means i would still have 50 minutes until 7-8 a.m box. I could write anything else that takes less than it, say having a breakfast.

This might sound annoying, but by doing this, starting from just a day, a week, a month, eventually a year. You would notice that you’re no longer a procrastination. Since then you might have become a person who loves to do anything as scheduled, it means, no procrastination

 

Motivational

After all these years, looking back to the past, my past. I realized something: i know how it felt not to have someone to always back you up with positive mental energy. The one who kept telling you to push hard, to run fast, to look forward. Thus, i tend to motivate everyone when they’re down. Not just some sweet talks instead, they really deserve it. I want to share my optimism-pessimism with them. To let them know, how a state of mind could really change everything.

My grandma’s sister once said “no matter how troubled the situation you are in, there will always be a shed of light at the end of the tunnel.” In short, she told us that time how positivity can occur even in the most troubled case. There will always be a positive thing from everything.

Well, i counter it not so long ago, with a status update on my facebook saying “There will always be a negative from a positive thing. Just like the two sides of a coin.”

Nevertheless, upon that negativity, another side has the positivity. The only problem would only be yourself, are you motivated enough to always see the positive? Being motivational is not easy. Sometimes you got to be positive to keep being motivated while some other times you got to have a true motivation to see the positive. This is tricky, using analogy of chicken and egg, i’d say motivation is chicken. With no true motivation, you’d see no positivity.

With this in mind, i keep motivating people who are close to me, hoping them to see some shed of light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it is.