Loner

Here I am, after two years of fighting and fun, I stand alone yet again. Nothing I could really do to be mentally able to accept things and defeat myself. I tried running away, fight back, stand still and taking attack, no matter what I always ended up as the last man standing. People had come and gone, they are out there searching for their own happiness, some have found it and happily married. Well, I never live a simple and happy life. The complex composition and awkward way of it make me stronger and who I am currently, no regret.

It’s just, after these years spending time united as one. Now I’m really spending time as one, single, person. Still I have friends, yet it still feels different than having a girlfriend. I miss that moment where I could annoyingly texting just to tell her how I was bored in the middle of a night. I miss that moment where I could be assure of there was someone out there waiting for me.

Now all that moment has gone, I made the decision. It’s time to move on since I still have a life to carry on. This won’t be something I’d later regret. This is something I embrace, for this moment of sadness does not kill me, thus it shall make me stronger. My best of hope for you, who might be reading this as well after post publishing, I wish you a happy life ahead. Many tears had been shed, laughter been burst, just take them into consideration as sparks of a firecracker during your party of life. Yes, it’s the party and how you enjoy that matters.

For God is Most Understanding of all kind, for fate is unknown, even if we do cross each other’s line or don’t, I would still wish the best for you with all my heart. So long, goodbye, have a nice happy life ahead :’)

Contemplation

To not have something in your grasp is not the end of the world
Sometimes, people are given different path to success by God
We will never know what lies within our life ahead
Some say, “just keep doing your best” and eventually i will get there

To be honest, by the moment i got rejected for master degree study
At that point i feel like i am the stupidest person in the world
Even worse, i was not in for psychological master degree
In short, not only stupid, as if i was not ‘normal’ enough to be a psychologist

Apparently i got less motivated doing things in my life since then
I hardly can sleep, I eat not by appetite but due to meal time,
I have not shaved for two weeks since the notification of apply
Now i think, i need to clear my head before i want to go for it again

First thing first, do i really want to become a clinical psychologist?
Is it really my passion? I mean, with all those responsibilities at work.
I have been thinking for the past three days. If there is anything i would like to do in life, it would be sitting in room, trying to listen and analyze people, in order to get them to a point where they would be healthy and normal enough to socialize and live their life.

I’m a helpful one, I can assure you of that. By becoming a psychologist I want to expand my skills of lending assistant to people, especially those who are not in normal situation of daily life. So many thoughts and treatments they got from society while they could not understand what is wrong with theirselves, to be treated in such ways.

It is a pity to see facts like that, people were judged based on something they did not really understand. It would take a lot of time to change those minds of how people should be normal. A change of system of education would repair that. Me? I just want to help those victim of such a broken system. I just want to help them who get cornered because they were deviant by any means.

By writing, I could only beg any of you readers to try understand why some people are not normal not because they want to. It is something they are born with or how they were raised. You can not tell someone he/ she is a freak just because they prefer to be alone. You should be proud of them since they have the courage to do everything on their own behalf.

With this reason in mind, i hope i could get through my second attempt to apply for psychological master degree. A lot of people need help, and here i am sitting ducks hoping for a guidance to help them.

Take (Your) Time

What took you so long
Refraining yourself from love
Made me think i got it all wrong
Decided to let you go free as a dove

Sacrifice, it takes courage
Our efforts never rhyme
Living life through our ages
Realized love takes time

Then when we need to decide
Taking its every consequences
That each of us need to step aside
Whenever our ego are put in cages

Living your life through those phases
To choose something different is not a crime
Do not let my word breakthrough your defenses
So go ahead and take your time

Static

Well, i have not updated anything for this page. I am currently considering to write something seriously, with some scientific journals or textbooks as basis of my writing and thinking. I might get down on it in a few months, it will be something about music or emotion. I will let you all readers know later on.

*currently working on my thesis for my bachelor degree, wish me luck!*

See you all later

Open Letter

Dear readers,

I admit i did the post on twitter about Proquest username and password for February 2010. I did it on purpose, as a reply for some request upon logging in from some colleague. They had nothing to with it, just my wrong doing that cause the problem for both Proquest and University of Indonesia.

Therefore, on behalf of myself, I deeply apologize here in this open letter and swear not to let any circumstances like this to ever happen again.

Sincerely Yours,
Cahyo

Demanding The Possible

Is this the place i used to go? No, this is the place i’ve never visited before. It’s something dark, something solitary. For i felt like a loner yet i’ve been paired. I was left for something much more important. Still, i feel itchy about it.

I shouldn’t say things like these…but this wild mind need something to be spilled…so now i write it…this writings of sanity, wanting the possible and the reachable…please come back soon…i need you…

Out of Reach

I’ve sworn something that would make her standing (maybe waiting) in a distance i could never reach. I’ve said something that would let me do nothing but to be a good person for her.

This body is taking a one step forward while the mind taking two steps back. These hands is waving for her to come, while these foot is walking towards another direction.

Oh, so much contradiction i have in me. Nothing seems to be right, yet everything feels quite the opposite. Staring wildly with one eye while the other one closed itself from reality.

Yes indeed, you are just out of reach and i can make you come closer and closer and closer. Distance and time travel is nothing, as impossible is not the case here. So yes, i would want to stay beside you there, and make yourself mine!

Missing Link

It’s been awhile since our last chat
It’s been months actually since we truly chat
It’s been years for real since we met each other
It’s been decade since i decide to go someplace

and…

It’s been awhile since I’ve been thinking that you are my missing link to that place

Where are you now? Have you done your unfinished business? I’d be gladly wander or even lurking around. Just tell me when you’re okay to be my missing link, we’ll go to that place together…

I Need Motivation, Now!

It’s been approximately 1.5 years i am stuck in this condition of unproductive. I should have finished my thesis last semester ideally. But i found this task so hard, that i lack internal motivation. Now i almost forgot what to do next since the last meeting with my tutor.

Yes, i’m the kind of person that only moves whenever internal motivations take part. GOD, GRACE ME YOU WILL TO LIVE…I WANT TO SURVIVE THIS TEST OF YOU!!
So help me God…i’d try my best hence…

Writing as a Stress Reliever (personal thought)

“Do writing whenever you feel stressed”

That thought always rings in my head when i feel down and don’t know what to do or where to go to have the pain away.

I was watching KickAndy (a talkshow in MetroTV of Indonesia, hosted by Andy F. Noya) with the topic of disease. There was this one man, who were crippled as he was having a multiple sclerosis. He told the audience that it was very frustrating back then for him, unable to do anything at all not even moving his own body. He needed help to reach, to move places, and to have basic needs like eating. The thought of writing to relieve stress was once announced and talked about by this man. He told stories of how he wrote everyday since he was able to move his hand (barely). Eventually, when he healed completely (but still using wheelchair now) a biography of his entire life and about this disease is finished. His wife helped him to print and to distribute it around some bookstore.

I started this out with that story, just as reminder how writing can be a useful cure for those who lives with stress and depression. Even one man can change his view of this life, though was crippled and barely could move any part of his own body, just by practice some writing. Anykind of writing, just write what you like whenever you feel you are into it. No need to feel ashamed to know that yours is filled with heart-to-heart-personal-matter stories. Doesn’t matter at all, as long as you enjoy, then do it. Thus, great things started by crazy ideas that we enjoy doing it no matter what other people says.

Well, surely this one helps you all out there to understand the better use of writing. Start to write now, and be proud of it. Because if you won’t then no one would. Have a nice day dear reader!