Something Changed

Monday morning never felt easy. There is always something bothering be it something urgent or important, perhaps even both. The usual would be, office assignments and deadlines. Some other times could be, urgent meetings and private contract negotiations. But this time around, it is different. I knew somehow it would be different because of what happened earlier on Sunday afternoon.

So it was Sunday, a usual like all those before this one. I didn’t really give a damn thought about it. Be it my heart pounding like crazy or even sweating hands while picking clothes and getting my car ready. It would be the first since many months ago. Picking up someone at their front porch felt uneasy.

Some conversations went on and I could say I really enjoyed any topics we had on that day. A tingling sensation that somehow urged me almost to giggle. Heart pounding moments led me to impulsively did several things I considered ridiculous. Ended up with a smile before saying thank you and good bye.

It was good. But I have something else going on.

That person’s image stuck in my head (although it’s only a day after). Something happened… Something changed… Inside me…

It’s Been Awhile (Opening)

Opening

Act 1

It was all begun when he got introduced by a friend of his. He thought there would be no harm for getting his network expanded. Life might be harsh, love might hurt, but experience is still the best teacher. So he decided to let everything fall behind and start looking forward. Agreed being presented as a single man looking for new life, his friend shared his profile to an acquaintance hoping for a good beginning. Hoping to leave behind a dark past that entailed him wherever he went.

Act 2

There it was, a contact shared by his friend. A number with WhatsApp profile picture already there. It was not supposed to be a game changing moment for him. But no, he did not know that yet. He simply thought whether he was going through the moment or walked away from that awkward feeling in his chest. A moment of uncertainty. Pounding heart, swollen eyes, dizzy head, trembling hands, all told him to go away and never come back. Nothing happened that night.

Act 3

Sun was shining bright, smiling to him, saying good morning to his lazy ass attitude every time he started a day. He went off to work late, as usual. Gazing through anything his eyes caught on during his train travel to the office. Still he was thinking about whether he should say something or forget any idea about this contact. It was too tempting to ignore but to frightening at the moment, for he barely swallowed by his entailment. That dark past. Gazing eyes and wandering mind, of urban scenery and glimpse of action-reaction of his choices that somehow created a dark realm within his subjective sacred world, accompanied him when he finally safely arrived at that train station he used to stop. He walked out the train and said to himself, “I should try it tonight”.

Monopoly

Most of the time, to win a competition means to eliminate any other competitor. Sometimes by all means necessary.

Perhaps that was just me being insecure. Seriously, systematically, someone need to bring down anyone on the way, to win it. Again, by all means necessary.

Stumbled Upon

This is not about the website where you get to share interesting things with whomever you’d like.

This is a short story.

A conscious choice of an adult is a part of his own reality, a world he made for himself. Every simple little things he did, had a butterfly effect on other part of the world. Whenever he blew off a trivial things according to his mind, something big and disastrous occurred on the other side. Life is a flip of a coin, you don’t get to see the head without having its tail facing down. Something showed up for a reason, for something shoved down. You get to be happy in present while someday later sadness may stumble upon you. Don’t take things lightly, anything seems small, trivial, could have vast effect for others.

Such to say, never a man get stumbled upon a boulder since it is always gravels that slip him and put him down on his knees, aching.

Lone Ranger

It is the first day of my attempt being a lone ranger. Single-handedly I try to conquer the world, with no more sidekick to share arsenal. No more shoulder to cry on. No hands to hold. Let’s hope justice will be served as it used to.

I shall prevail while waiting for my soldier to come back.

The Sensation – Loving You

That sensation first time I met you.
The tingling feeling of seeing someone archaic yet angelic.
The shivering body feeling connected with someone.
As if I have known you for a long time ago.

 

That sensation every time I meet you.
The gulp in the throat each time I say “Hi”.
The ticklish feeling when I hold you close.
As if I am nervous as the first time I met you.

 

This sensation whenever I cannot meet up with you.
This pain in the chest.
This running around thoughts.
This uneasiness of being still, sitting down, bed resting.
The unwell feeling, not sure I miss you or I’m truly ill.
As if there will never be a tomorrow for me to see you.

 

Those sensation of me loving you.

 

 

Fight or Flight?

This is the question we all have been faced all these time in our life. There’s no single right answer to it, since every situation requires different things and each option would bring you to destruction, if not self-hindrance. So, how would you know when to choose fight or to choose flight? We don’t, for sure, we can only ‘feel’ or ‘guess’ what’s coming.

For example, I have a paper due tomorrow, I can choose two things: to fight, work all my might and get the job done entirely, or to flight, procrastinate all the way and get the job done through the lowest standard possible. Now, the answer is obviously clear, you should work your way up the hill and fight with everything you have got. But this is not the case we all have been through, some of us had to choose the sloppy way and take a flight, because they think the stress was far too much to handle if they chose to fight. Is it? Perhaps, so let’s say it is.

Now the real question is, how long can you stand the flight, because eventually you would face the problem when time has come. How would you know, it is time? It doesn’t have to be too late to realize. You would notice that uneasy sensation when choosing flight for some times, the uncomfortable feeling because you know what you’re doing is wrong. The feeling would be so strong that you’ll notice fleeing has given you even the same (if not more) stress and uneasiness compared to stand your ground and fight the problem.

THAT’S WHEN YOU SHOULD STOP RUNNING AND TRY TO FACE WHATEVER MAY COME. Why? You’ll only burden your body in more stress with fleeing because there’s no end result there. You go much further while, like a magnet and you were a steel bar, it goes stronger every time you try to escape. By this time, I think it’d be much better for us to turn our direction, using that pulling force to make us going faster then eventually we will hit the problem so hard and it will be shattered and solved.

It is hard to do, cause sometimes it would be already too late to get the feeling yet the problem has reached another level and impossible for us to handle. So my task (or our task) would be to recognize ourselves better, to know which option between fight or flight, that would stresses us much more overtime than at hand. How would you endure stress at hand, fighting all your way, and free yourself from all the troubles by the end of it (well at least you’ve tried, even if the result isn’t as expected), OR, you could be stress free and fleeing yet building more stress for every flight you have because time is running and the problem isn’t gonna solve itself. Consider that, know yourself, look back on past experience and evaluate how each options (fight or flight) had brought you results, and think of the present: how would you like it any better with your current situation? Would you choose to fight and see the end result of trying? Would you choose to flight and see how long you can endure (and yes, some problems isn’t gonna solved but they can be put in a closet for you to pick up later)?

This is me writing after getting the uneasy feeling from running away too long… I’ve reached the point where there’s no peace at all with fleeing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat well, I got problems with my stomach, and all I know they have come resulting from my choice to flee, weeks ago.

So let’s fight (or flight, if you still wanted to)