My Existence

“I will never know, cause you will never show…”

This is a part of a lyric of a song written and performed by The Cardigans. One interesting things about this phrase is how meaningful information for someone, either it is shown implicitly or explicitly. Without notice, nobody would ever know the existence of a thing (let’s say the information mass rally of 100 days shortcoming program of the government for 2009-2014 period). A person may search, look for information, but with no supply or showing all leads to nothing.

This underlined the essence of the lyric above in my own perception. If you showed me nothing, i would not know whether your feelings exist or not. Thank god i have heard and kept what you have told me, though it was rather implicit. I didn’t really think about it until now, i read one of your post which saying that it was your wishes for 2010 ahead (I’d say that because it was made on early December of 2009).

Apparently, it sounded rather sad even to me. Yet i know it’s something that could happen to anyone on this living earth. However ironic it is to me, this could not keep me away from thinking, what the meaning of my existence to some people? How am i doing for them? Looking back i remembered that my life wouldn’t be this way without ‘them’. More or less, they have changed my point of view, my personality, how i thought of things, how i act or react, and so on. Yes, they meant a lot to me from their way sharing experience of life with me, be it short or a long moment.

Now i am currently reminiscing of what good deeds have i done. Have i done anything that affected them in a good manner? Have i brought an optimism to their life? Have i taught them new perspective about how to see life as it is? About how to put themselves in others shoes? It has been 23 years of life i am living. Not so much achievement i made during this breathing lungs and pumping heart of human life. They may not showing or telling or writing anything about how was my existence for them. Nevertheless, I do really hope that my existence would mean something to them. It would be my own personal achievement…though not so great…

The Yes and The No

So ironic, these days I’ve been living on. Every kind of obligation i should be doing is neglected yet anything that could made a total procrastinator is done perfectly! Any event that is not so important was attended, yet those important moments I had missed them all.  It is like I’m more keen to say yes to something i should not, and saying no otherwise.

I remember how i easily accepted my friend (an ex-girlfriend actually) invitation to take a walk in a park even at midnight. Ironic, because a day later i said no when my girlfriend asked me out. Other example was when i said no for a friend in need for help, yet i responded and left immediately when another friend of mine invited me for a party. This is terrible, doing anything fun and leaving sacrifices for greater good behind. I feel like a sad story with no happy ending, keep doing the wrong ones and walking even further into the darkness within this rough world.

By this point, i have realized that i should turn my wheels around and drive faster because i have many to catch up. I want to start something new, from a different perspective, and with a different way of approaching. Some people might think that I am change, not the same person anymore, not the friend he used to be. To hell with that, sorry to say it, but i have to let my rationale takes control of everything. Even if it’s painful, for the greater good, I am willing to do it. If it is not me, who else can change my fate?

I hope everyone is ready, especially me, because I am about to say Yes and No within appropriate circumstances and terms…